My name is Kaylan Fields and I am a grateful, recovering addict. Columbus is my hometown and very near and dear to my heart. I was in active addiction from the time I was 18 years old until the time I was 32 years old. My parents didn’t do drugs. My parents gave me the best possible life anyone could ask for. I was never hurt or taken advantage of as a child and was always, always protected. In other words, I didn’t exhibit any of the “warning signs” of addiction. I have been told many times that I don’t “look” like a drug addict. That is the thing — addiction does not have a face and it absolutely does not discriminate. It has taken everything from me, in one form or another, for most of my adult life. My beautiful daughter, who was born in 2012, was not even enough for me to stop. I met the love of my life, my fiancée in 2017 and sadly, she wasn’t enough for me to quit. I love her more than life and I lied to her face for several months at the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t want her to see that ugly side of me that I hated so much! However, the drugs are not the only problem. You see, the drugs are not what makes me an addict. It is the behaviors and lack of coping mechanisms that make me an addict. The drug use is sadly, the very last manifestation of this horrible, insidious disease.
When I turned 18, my parents got divorced. It was one of the hardest things I have been through to date and it crushed me emotionally. Due to the fact that I spent most of my teenage years chasing boys and not learning to become an adult in today’s world, I wasn’t prepared for the emotional upheaval it (the divorce) would cause. I went from being an occasional drinker and marijuana smoker to shooting up methamphetamines. l have done every drug you can think of, in every possible way you can do them. My drug of choice was more. l have been in a series of dysfunctional and abusive relationships — all played a role in my continued addiction. Again, lack of treatment options would have made it difficult to find help, had I wanted it. There is a stigma that surrounds addiction that we must crush. We are not people with a moral deficiency, rather, we are sick people who need help.
I am also the very definition of codependent. Whether it be my significant other or my parents, my mood is very dependent on those around me. I learned to take care of everyone but Kaylan. l buried my best friend to this disease. Had Suboxone been offered to her, she might be alive today.
What I want to share now is my journey over the past several years with recovery. I began my journey in 2010, when I went to a women’s recovery house in Indianapolis, IN called Seeds of Hope. I was there for a total of eight months and successfully graduated the program. I left in July of 2011 and within two weeks, I relapsed. Although I thought I had it figured out, what I know now, is that my brain hadn’t fully recovered. I continued using for several months and found out I was pregnant later that year. My daughter’s father hasn’t spoken to me since the day I told him I was pregnant. My beautiful baby girl was born in May of 2012. When she was only six weeks old, I returned to Seeds of Hope, this time graduating in seven months. The interesting thing this time was that l was abusing Benadryl. I took it at first to help me sleep —then I got an effect from it. I was taking fourteen of them all at once at night for quite some time. Then, the heart palpitations commenced. I saw a cardiologist and at no point was willing to become honest. Now, mind you, this entire time, I am still going to meetings and claiming clean time. I did muster together a few months of real clean time here and there. Looking back, I think the reason I never was able to “get it” was because I didn’t have enough time to heal before trying to tackle this world alone. In other words, I was trying to stay clean….l wanted to stay clean, but the cravings were kicking my behind!
So what’s different this time? Suboxone. I have 107 days of REAL clean time today. The only thing that I have changed is Suboxone. I don’t crave the pills anymore. I go to work every day and am excelling in school (I am completing requirements for a Master‘s degree in public health). I get complimented on my work almost daily (l work at IU Health). This is the same girl who couldn’t keep a job because I called in so often at every job I have literally ever had. Yes, some of those behaviors were present before I started using, that is why I say, addiction is more than the drug use. I attend 12-step meetings 3+ times per week, I have a sponsor and I am working steps. I see someone for mental health. I am learning to take care of myself, one day at a time. I feel like my brain is healing and lam learning to take care of myself and my child. While I am doing that, the Suboxone keeps the cravings down. I can 100% say without a single doubt that l have not thought of pills one single time since I started taking Suboxone. I used to sponsor women and l discouraged them from going down this road of “maintenance.” I can say now, with experience, that I was totally and utterly wrong. This drug gives me hope that I am going to make it this time. It makes me believe that I can STAY clean this time and never use dope again. Yes, for the first time in thirty—two years, I know I am going to make my dreams come true. I am working on my character defects and learning to love myself. Also, more importantly, I am learning to be a mother.
Please hear my story. Believe me when I say, I have tried everything available for addiction. I have tried cold turkey and it never stuck.
If there is anything I can do to help Columbus, in ANY way with Suboxone treatment or Groups Recover, I am more than willing to do so. lam an advocate for this option to the core! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart to Groups, for teaching me how to live!
My name is Kaylan. I am a GRATEFUL, RECOVERING addict!